Ya know..I just have not been thinking about it....putting it to the back of my mind as much as I can but...the day is soon approaching and Jillian is leaving for college. One week from tomorrow and we take her.
She has been busy with work, hanging out with her friends as much as possible,and shopping for her dorm life. I have been so strong..really I have!! I have fought off almost every tear that has tried to emerge so she won't have to tell me to stop...but.....today I had a meltdown. I was downstairs scrapping a LO of her and her friends from High School, she had just gotten home from being at the beach and she came down there and said "Hey Mom I have an extra 'Subway' sandwhich cuz it was buy one get one free....do you want it?"... I took it as I had not eaten any lunch yet and when she went upstairs I burst into tears. I don't know why that triggered the tears, maybe because I know how much she loves 'Subway' and I won't be seeing her walking in with a Subway bag on her hand that much anymore. Jillian and I have had a different kind of relationship....she has always been so independent and just able to go on her own. I feel like she grew up so fast and never really needed me that much. I mean she did at certain times and I was there for her then but it was always on her terms....and then she went off to be independent again......maybe that was only right....but now in about a week she will be off to college and finding her way around the campus life. I guess it is good that she is independent..maybe that will help her with adjusting to the college life but I feel a little robbed. I wanted to be more in her life than what I am and everyone knows how fast time goes by
anyway.....to have it go by that fast and feel like she did not need me that much is hard. I wonder sometimes if she will ever need me again in her life or if she will continue to grow more and more independent needing me less and less... I feel really sad right now. I don't even know what to do with my feelings...so I think I am just gonna let myself cry. Maybe I can get it all out of my system and I won't have such a hard time when we leave her at the University.
I know I am not the first nor will I be the last parent to send a kid off to college...I just don't know how people do it.
